Not getting to say good-bye has left emotional hole

As I was truly preoccupied with more important events of the day, I had not even seen the second plane hit the twin towers. At first glance on the newscast, I reckoned it to a freak of nature. I saw the shadow of a figure that looked like a shark in calm and beautiful tropical waters.

I saw a shark that ripped into its victim with blood that littered the blue waters with flames.

I was originally supposed to be passing through the World Trade Center that morning, but didn’t due to a change in plans.

Then again, this isn’t about me. It’s about a fallen friend, and I need to write about it because it helps me express my sorrow.

What is in a day or a moment, a hesitation in evacuating a building? Was my friend knocked unconscious? Was he on the wrong side of the building at the wrong time? Did he go down the wrong set of stairs? Were the stairs intact? Did he go to the roof because the smoke had blocked the downward descent? I subsequently learned that the probability was high that my friend was trapped on the 104th floor due to the building’s moving on impact. In just three weeks time, he was to start working in New Jersey.

Our friend and my children’s uncle was the ultimate success as he had truly mastered the balance of marriage, children, family and work. Where do you begin to tell his tale? A tale of a man that was a positive influence to so many. A man that passed before his time. A man that truly made the most of each moment.

And I know that I am not the only one feeling like this and that there are countless other tragedies, and my heart goes out to all. People whose only crime was providing for their loved ones. How many children have lost one or both parents? How many children had to wait for someone to pick them up from school who never arrived.

We have buried four people over the last six years, each because of cancer. I always said that when I had to go, I wanted it to be quick.

The benefit of the big "C" is getting to say good-bye, although often without humility.

As I sat with the surviving spouse, shoulder to shoulder, in my emotional and foggy low, I felt that this was worse. And, despite the overwhelming and indisputable facts to all who knew him that his and their love was lived soundlessly, not getting to say a final good-bye has left an emotional hole of "what ifs."

Even though he lived love daily, we are still unsettled.

Every day since that fateful Tuesday, I have woken up with a pain in my stomach and a dullness in my head that lasts me until I go to sleep.

Every day I eat, but not out of hunger. Every day, out of nowhere, I just shake my head in disbelief.

Every night I look at the sky and talk to him and then scold him. Every day I cry.

For your family we pray that the pain and sorrow quickly turns to the warmth of loving memories.

We love and miss you.

Richard Disick and Family

Millstone